Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Things

The following comment was left on my Answerly video today:

"Joe I feelsad when I´m watching your videos cuz you usedto be so happy and you were smiling all the time and now you look upset and i just wanna hug you and just ugh"

Comments like this make me very sad--for a couple reasons.



First, nobody likes to be told they look and seem upset (or at least I don't) even when I am. I'm a suppressor and, as unsuccessfully as I apparently pull it off, I like to pretend I'm all right when I'm down. Being told I made somebody else feel sad just by watching my video doesn't make me feel very good, either. The commenter seems to think I've been unhappy for at least a while, which makes me even more upset because I haven't. Do I really seem like such an unhappy person? I suppose I should feel okay that they're worried about me, but now I'm just worried that I don't seem okay.

Second, I think people need to understand that, in some instances, this video thing is a job. My personal channel is not my job. It's what I do for me and you and fun. Answerly, however, is a job (although one I very much enjoy). There are contracts and due dates and things that must happen at certain times and I hold myself to a high enough standard to honor all those commitments every week.

Nobody is happy and feels great every day of their life. The world has seen me bi-weekly for over a year now (and tri-weekly for over half of that time) via my channel, Answerly, and The Stylish. It's just a part of life that the good and bad times ebb and flow and I think it would be unrealistic for anyone to expect me to be 100% on my game every single week. I do try, though.

It's my responsibility to make the best content I possibly can despite whatever I'm going through at the moment. It's my job to take myself out of the situation and just make a video sometimes. Part of me thinks that's impossible, especially in this line of work. Because it's personality-based, part of whatever I'm going through is always going to creep up, and I guess this week it did. Maybe some people can block things out and still do a stellar job. I guess I'm not that strong.

Don't other people go into work sad every now and again? Don't you have to just do it anyway sometimes? This week I made a video because I had to, despite my life, and I honestly didn't think the final product was bad (and far from my worst). Maybe it hurts that someone saw what I was trying to hide. Maybe it hurts that this was one of the first comments. Maybe I'm afraid of other people seeing it and thinking, "Hm, yeah. Joe isn't happy anymore," and then they stop watching and I've hurt the company. Maybe I'm afraid of someone from work seeing the comment and thinking I'm not doing a good job on purpose anymore. Maybe I just want someone to understand all this.

This week has been crummy. It's been full of news and worry and days spent pacing around the house and me trying to (probably unsuccessfully) tweet semi-humorous things to mask the things that have been happening. My sister drove down from St. Louis earlier this week to see me, even though she could only stay a couple of days, and I'm glad she did.

I'm sorry you didn't get the best of me this week and I'm sorry to have failed at my job and I'm sorry I'm vague and boring. I'm sorry for talking about myself at a time when much larger and more important things are being decided in the world, like DOMA and the things people like Wendy Davis and Edward Snowden are fighting for. I'm also sorry I may not be able to make a video for my personal channel this week. Like I said, my personal channel is not my job, and I think anything I make now would also reflect what's been going on.