Sunday, July 14, 2013


I've mentioned several times in several posts I have this problem where I start what are supposed to be lengthy blog posts and then just quit. Sometimes it happens after the first sentence, and sometimes it happens after a few paragraphs. Why? Sometimes one and sometimes several reasons. Sometimes just writing a few sentences releases the subject from my mind. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and realize I'm not prepared to tackle things. Sometimes I simply realize the topic is not one I want to address. Sometimes I'm bored with either myself or the situation. And sometimes I just remember there's ice cream in the freezer and, well, sometimes ice cream > blogging.

I'm beginning to cope with the fact that none of these posts will ever be completed (for whatever mixture of the reasons above), so I've dug out six of 'em that were buried within my drafts and am posting them here as fragments.

Reading through these posts again made me realize some things. I realized I'm glad some never made it past the drafting stage because a few were not headed in a direction that accurately assesses how I feel. I realized I've still got plenty of fight left in me, despite what I was going through. I realized I very well might have whiny, emo tendencies on this blog.

Anyway, you will find these posts below--dated and presented as fossilized thoughts in a mind museum. No grammatical corrections. No diction tweaking. All posted without explanation as to where they were headed or what my intended message was going to be (if a message was even planned). You might imagine them as long-lost letters from war times being written to a lover back home when BOOM, down drops the bomb and the sentence just ends. It is a mystery, one might say. On to the fragments:

(Quick note: There is actually one post in which I ended up omitting part of a sentence. This is done partially because it was about something that pissed me off so much I feel I would owe a full explanation of the topic instead of just a fragment, and I'm still not prepared to go there yet. But this probably just adds to the mystery and excitement, so onward...)


Date: 7/11/13

Someday down the winding road of life, you'll be speaking with a friend about the path on which you're currently plodding along and find yourself uttering a well-worn phrase. "When I grow up..." you'll start, only to catch yourself and think, "Shit, I am grown up."

This happened to me recently, but I'm going to backtrack a little.

I have a friend who has known what she's wanted to do her entire life. As long as I've know her, she's been baking cakes and frying fish and whipping all sorts of



Date: 7/10/13

"Successful" carries a lot of negative connotations with me, mostly because I assume people want fame and money and all those things. And, a lot of the time, I know those things encompass



Date: 7/6/13

A while back, I had a conversation with a guy about TV. (Riveting stuff, I know. But wait, there's more!) The guy I was talking to is an avid TV watcher, partially because it's his job (He writes about shows) and partially because he believes it's an important part of the cultural conversation.

I, on the other hand, watch almost no TV. Growing up about four miles North of the Middle of Nowhere, my family didn't have satellite or cable, so I grew up on PBS (and about four other channels I didn't really watch because, I mean, PBS is all you need). By the time my parents broke down and got satellite, I was headed off to Philadelphia. There, I couldn't afford to pay for television, let alone a television set. (I finally acquired an old, heavy one via craigslist which my friend Caitlyn ventured with me into the ghetto to fetch. But I only ever used it to watch my DVDs of The Hills.)



Date: 7/3/13

i was talking to my dad yesterday and yeah, surely it's okay to feel a little freaked out right now, right?



Date: 6/27/13

If you've read any of the blogs I've had over the past four years or so, you'll surely have seen my write something about the state of YouTube. This isn't another one of those entries. Sort of. Well, at least not in the way you're probably used to me writing about these things.

Every once in a while, I peruse my older YouTube subscriptions. These are the channels that inspired me to pick up a camera and try to express myself through video. They made me laugh and think at a time when I was a very lonely kid in a very empty dorm room. They all changed my life more drastically than any of them probably knew. Now, they're all gone.

Some of them are still around on other sites, but many of them aren't. It's like they just packed up and left all these videos lying around. Like ghosts. Ghosts that still make me laugh, but ghosts nonetheless. I understand why many of these people are gone, and I don't blame them. A big part of me thinks they're really smart for getting out when they did.

I fully intended to come to my blog today and rant about some emails I've received regarding [CONTENT OMITTED]. (The emails were also marked "Confidential" but I never fucking agreed to that, for once). But I'm not going to write about it. Why? I'm done fighting the YouTube battle.

I'm tired of being the only one left who writes about it. I'm tired of being misinterpreted as bitter or bitchy when I'm just trying to explain what's really going on. I'm even tired of people agreeing with my rants, because things inevitably just continue moving forward as usual and it's disheartening. It's like Edward Snowden leaking all that info about what the government's been up to and everyone just goes back to talking about The Bachelor at the water cooler the next day. (I'm really into this whole Edward Snowden thing if you haven't noticed. I mentioned him in the last entry, too.) Nobody cares anymore--or at least not enough to do anything. Maybe I don't even care enough anymore.

I was speaking with a friend the other day about things and



Date: 6/22/13

This entry is me rambling about cameras and video quality. I wouldn't read it, tbh.

With a new computer comes new programs and that means a lot of learning how to work new things. I mentioned a while ago I was gonna have to switch to a new editing program since getting my PC, and since Final Cut Pro is only for Mac. I've finally settled on Sony's Movie Studio Platinum 12. It's in my budget and does a lot of things similar to FCP. I'd played around with it enough so that editing my vids this past week wasn't too much of a nightmare, but there is still much to be learned.

In particular, color correcting has haunted me since my early days on YouTube. (Lord knows I am practically pink in most of my first videos from 2007.) My videos will be too washed out or too dark or too bright or not contrasted enough. AND, on top of that, they look different on every single monitor. I've been a bit lazy the last few weeks and have avoided most color correcting, and my videos looked fine on my iMac. On this new PC, they look unsaturated and dull. When I compensate for that to the point they look good on this computer, they look too warm and bright on my old MacBook. I look like I'm on fire and, tbh, someone should probably really set me aflame.

I know part of the problem is me being too picky, but it also partially stems from me refusing to get the latest equipment. Unarguabley, I don't use the most high-tech vlogging equipment (although I do record in 1080p), and for a few reasons.

First, it's such a fucking hassle. I use a Canon SX40 HS, which is my favorite thing in the whole world. The built-in microphone is fantastic, it has a screen that can be flipped, the zoom is amazing (and the lens is attached, too, of course), and the settings can be easily tweaked to just about anything I desire. However, while is a great consumer camera, it's not a DSLR, and that's become the standard for vlogging. I did have a Canon T3i for about a month and, while the quality was stellar, it was so much work to set up. The focus had to be manually set or else it was always twitching out, the settings were lacking compared to my SX40 (which is probably because the T3i is older), and the on-board microphone was horrible. Even when I upgraded to a much better mic, there were so many problems in post-production. I know I would've eventually learned, but I didn't want to. Maybe other people can handle these things better (or maybe they have more money to buy the much newer DSLRs) but for me it's all about simplicity.

I miss when the built-in iSight was the standard for quality. There was very little correcting to be done and everyone was pretty much on an equal level. Videos were more about the actual content rather than how fancy they looked.

Secondly (did you forget we were counting things?), I've come to realize this whole quality contest just isn't me. I've never fussed with those things, and I much rather attempt to get a message across than spend all my time tweaking settings. There are some people that can do both--Grace always makes it seem to effortless--but it's one or the other with me.