Sunday, June 29, 2014

Why I Wear Hats

People often ask me why I always wear that Pokemon hat, or hats in general. If they ask in a polite way or are just generally inquisitive, I feign ignorance and say something snarky like, "What hat?? I've never worn a hat in my life!" (If you saw how much I make myself laugh from saying that, you'd hate me.) If they're being a flappy butthole about it and griping at me for wearing a hat (because apparently me wearing a hat angers some people? I don't know), then I'm usually a butthole back and say something passive-aggressively bitchy, like, "I think it's more important what I do or say rather than what I put on my head." You know, something that I can pretend is profound, like Abraham Lincoln might say (who was also a fan of hats, I gather).

A larger version from my Instagram.
The real reason I wear hats is pretty boring and basically just circles around to me being lazy.

I mentioned in a previous post that I buzz my head because I'm too lazy to fix my hair. My hair is naturally curly and unmanageable and blah blah blah I never did figure out how to do anything with it. I had an afro in junior high. I don't want to talk about it. Then I straightened my hair for years and years, which was just way more effort than I was willing to keep up. But the thing about having a buzzed head is, my head gets really fucking cold.

Like, even in the summer I can get the shivers from having a bare head. My body is so tiny it has no heat to spare. I'm basically a chihuahua. Someone even called me a rat-dog in a comment once, so I think the comparison is appropriate. So I put on a cap or a beanie to prevent my body heat from escaping. (At night I like to wear a hoodie to reduce a chilly head.)

That's the main reason, but there are others. Like aesthetics. I have a really tiny, pea-sized head. It doesn't look great buzzed but, once again, I'm just too lazy with my physical appearance for that to stop me. A cap helps my head appear closer to normal-sized. And I generally stick with the Pokemon cap because it's made for children, so it fits my small head. (I like it so much I have multiples for backup purposes at this point.) I also just sort of got used to it being part of my persona and enjoy it being a recognizable constant. Lots of people have signature items they wear, so I never understood why so many people asked about it or made it seem like a big deal.

I've tried other caps, but most of them are so large on me they practically cover my eyes, or else sit so low they mess with my glasses. I did, however, recently find a few smaller caps on ebay that fit how I like (see photo) so maybe I'll branch out. Maybe I won't. I'm getting older and am on the verge of being set in my ways.

As an added bonus, I'll probably start going bald in my early or mid-thirties (according to genetics), so maybe if I'm still wearing hats people will never know, even though I honestly don't care if they do. I'm hoping by then I'll have put on a little weight and won't have chilly head problems so I can flaunt my fabulous baldness like Captain Picard.

Things I forgot to blog about:
I recently went to Baker Beach, the Legion of Honor museum, and have gone on more Japantown shopping sprees during which I've purchased more things I don't need, including a kitchen timer shaped like a strawberry. (I don't cook. Also I'm pretty sure cell phones have timers, so that makes it double useless.) And I took photos of it all, which you can find on my Flickr. (There's at least one photo of a marble butt and at least two marble penises in the museum album. It was a good day.)
I was going to make a strawberry pun but thought
that would be berry annoying. (Sorry.)