Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I would've been an amazing crime scene investigator (with bonus boob puns)

I've only lived in this house a little over two weeks, and already at least six or seven housemates have come and gone. Another just left a little bit ago, and about ten minutes later another one showed up to take his place.

There are four bedrooms here, and this house is advertised as a short-term place to stay, so it's not really surprising, but it's a weird and stressful environment to live in as an introvert. I've only met three of the other house guests, mostly because I work all day and come home and like to be alone. And there's no living room, so everyone just stays in their bedrooms. One of the people I met is currently in the room next to me. Like me, he's another longer-term resident who's living here for the summer (while I'm staying here for about six weeks). The other two I briefly met once when I was in the kitchen, and they're both already gone. I've never seen the others.

I do see all their things, though, and it's made me realize how creepily observant I am of my surroundings. When I first moved in, I noticed the guy in the room next to me always takes his shoes off outside his bedroom door. That very first day, I counted the pairs of shoes. If there are six pairs, it means he's not home. If there are seven, he's here. If there are less than three, he's gone for a few days to see his girlfriend (or who I assume is his girlfriend. I've heard them together in his room and seen them leave together).

Bathroom products constantly change. When one guy arrived, some fancy and expensive face wash appeared in the shower, and he would always make sure the bottle was facing a very specific direction (not with the label outward, but slightly turned away from the shower head). The long-term guy uses two different kinds of Head & Shoulders shampoo on alternating days. (I can tell because each slightly shifts from its location from day-to-day.) One guest had a very particular way of hanging her towel. (It had a striped pattern on it that she would match up with the towel bar. I realized this after accidentally moving it once and coming back later to find she had straightened it back out.) Another guest left a pizza box on the bathroom floor overnight for some reason (with pizza still in it. Blasphemy if you ask me). I think anyone would've noticed that, but it was especially irritating because it stank up the bathroom and, really, what kind of monster wastes pizza like that when we have a refrigerator?

I also notice their routines. If anyone stays for more than a couple days, I can generally estimate when they'll arrive home (if they come home later than I do). One girl cooked eggs every evening. (My bedroom is by the kitchen and I could smell them.) Currently, there's a really loud guy in one of the other rooms who uses the stove late at night and is always shouting on his phone in Italian. He also seems to think doors need to be slammed. My bedroom is also close enough to the stairs that I can hear people climbing them. Based on how quickly they come up and how loud their footsteps are, I can tell if it's the longer-term guy or a newer guest.

It all sounds totally mega creepy that I do this, like I'm just listening and waiting for these things, but I'm totally not. It just happens naturally, which makes me think I'd have been an awesome crime scene investigator. (I'm thinking like Poirot in the Agatha Christie books except without such a fabulous mustache, but instead with circle lenses and a super cute Hello Kitty phone case.) I wouldn't, however, be a very good detective in general, because I usually forget every single thing a person tells me when they're actually talking to me (which is why I don't remember the name of the longer-term guy in the room next to me). I think conversation tends to blow through my brain so fast because my mind is busy observing other things about the person, like noticing where their hoodie is from, or weirdly counting the shoes outside their door. And I'm totally not judging them on any of it. Just constantly noticing, and I can't seem to turn it off.

Anyway, I was sick today and didn't go to work. I think stress and work just finally took their toll and my body decided it needed a break. But while lying in bed all morning in a feverish haze, I did notice something I hadn't observed before. The light on my ceiling totally looks like a giant, gold-rimmed boob.
Photo taken during aforementioned feverish haze that made me laugh about
the boob comparison way too much.
But after relaxing all day and some much-needed breast, I think I'll be back up and running again tomorrow. Perhaps a day off here or there is a good thing to keep you feeling your breast. I should go now though before these boob puns become even more unbralievably lame and this whole entry goes tits up.

A quick mention, though. I've done some remodeling around here on the blog. The look I'm going for is "cute and slimy," which I think I pulled off decently well. Also, I've switched to a different comment service. People have told me for years how awful Blogger's default commenting system is, but with this new one, you can comment using a variety of social sites, including your Twitter handle (which seems to be popular, although I also re-enabled guest/anonymous comments). I honestly don't know why it's taken me this long to make the switch. So check it out. I'm sure you'll find it simply breasttaking. Er, breathtaking. Sorry.

-joe