Friday, August 15, 2014

Where the videos have gone

Comments/tweets/emails have been coming in regarding why I'm not doing videos lately. Here is a post about that.

First, I'd like to say the way a lot of the comments/tweets/emails have been worded kinda unjustifiably rubs me the wrong way. People say they "miss me," which sounds sweet, but which also kinda feels like a slap in the face because I never left. On the contrary, I've been pouring myself into many things I've had to put off for years. And so it's like people have just been ignoring all these things I've been working so hard on--weekly podcasts and staying active on this blog and making music with Sam and attempting to reboot my gaming channel. Plus, I tweet every day and post on instagram relatively often. Honestly, there's too much of me online. It's gross! You should be sending me comments/tweets/emails hinting that I should take a vacation to Siberia or something. (Although a trip there might turn into a permanent break for me. We both know I wouldn't survive long in an icy wilderness without a Wal-Mart nearby. Also, I'm not entirely sure I even exist anymore in the absence of the Internet.)

Anyway, like I said, it's an unjustifiable feeling on my part. Perhaps if people said, "I miss your videos," instead of just "I miss you," it would be better. But I should understand that's what they mean, anyway.

Second, it's no secret I've been really disgusted for a long time with the track that YouTube seems to be on. This entry isn't going to get into that. I've written enough about it, here and elsewhere. I'm over it. That's not really a reason for me to leave the site anymore. I've come to terms with the fact that--if I'm gonna post videos on YouTube--I'm just gonna have to get used to swimming against the current. (God, that makes me sound like an insufferable hipster or something. Or like those people who don't listen to Owl City because he got popular. You're missing out on some good electro, nighttime driving music, btw. Granted it does all kinda sound the same now. And don't get me started on that duet with Carly Rae Jepsen. That was a mess. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah. Videos.)

Third, I'm coming down from a three-month shitstorm of video making. And I can't expect anyone to know about all that was going on because I never talked about my job in San Francisco, so it's my fault for not detailing it.

In that job, I was working 40+ hours and was responsible for helping produce at least 14 videos every week, and often more than that. That's at least three videos every day that I was overseeing in some way. Granted, I was working with a really great team, so the work was a little spread out, but we were tragically understaffed. And so every single one of those videos went through my hands in one way or another.

On the weekends, I made my Answerly videos because there wasn't enough time to make them during the week. And then on the one day I had free, if I wasn't doing laundry or grocery shopping, I wanted to get out of that horrible house I was living in and explore the city and enjoy my time in SF. I didn't want to go to the YouTube homepage, or stare mindlessly at editing software, or even try and look decent for the camera (which takes a lot of work, trust me. A lot. You know the Orcs in the Lord of the Rings movies? I actually look like that).

When I did have a spare hour or two, usually at night, I worked on some of those aforementioned projects I've had to put off for the past 7.5 years because I've felt the pressure to make a YouTube video every week. This blog had been seriously neglected up until the past few months, which was sad because writing is my favorite thing. I'd been wanting to start the podcast back up for ages. My gaming channel sadly fell by the wayside. Music wasn't getting made. And so many other projects I wanted to complete were only fractionally done.

Fourth, I was honestly getting a little burned out with videos even before the job in San Francisco, which I think was obvious to a lot of people (but even if it was, you should spare my feelings and not agree with this). Some things that happened last year really knocked down my self-confidence. I was simultaneously too much inside my own head, and also too much inside the heads of everyone else. I wasn't pleased with the video content I was putting out and was too affected by negative comments.

TL;DR I needed a break from videos, both for my mental well-being, and so I could do other things I haven't had time to do. In fact, in my humble opinion, I think the non-video stuff I've been doing online lately has been way better than my videos were near the end. The podcast with Sam is so much fucking fun. (This past week we talked about the pros and cons of sleeping with Ronald McDonald, so obviously the quality is just aces.) It's nice to be writing here again. Music is getting made. The gaming channel is gearing up for a relaunch. And other things, too. So, if you're missing the videos, I hope you'll understand why I'm giving you a little push in the direction of these other things. I'm proud of them.

I'm also not saying the videos on my personal channel have ceased forever. I realize that was my initial audience and has remained my core audience. You never know when I might pop back up in video form (probably not on your homepage, though, because YouTube murdered the subscription boxes ages ago and probably blacklisted me from them anyway). Also, my comeback won't be as amazing as Hilary Duff's. That level is clearly impossible for anyone else to reach. So don't get your hopes up for that.

If you'd like some imagery to go along with all this, just picture me as Madonna in Evita singing "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina," except replace "Argentina" with your name to make it extra creepy.* And, if you want, you can even imagine me in the same dress she was wearing. I don't want to start any arguments, but I feel like it would've looked better on me anyway.


*Fun fact: I actually totally wrote a parody song to the tune of "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina" years and years ago to post on my channel but never got around to it. Maybe that will happen someday.