Friday, January 9, 2015

Falling face-first into the new year

One of my belated New Year's resolutions is to blog more. So I sat down to write and ended up writing about pooping myself. And now I'm actually posting it because I guess I left my dignity in 2014. (And if you're a company that I've applied for a job at and you're stalking my blog after receiving my application, just know I've never pooped myself in the workplace. I generally have above average control of my digestive system and am on an amazingly consistent poop schedule, which is something I should probably list on my resume after this.)

I rang in the new year in St. Louis. I was visiting my sister and she invited me out with her friends, but I decided to stay in, put on a sheet mask, and play some old NES games (since she has our old NES with her in St. Louis). It was a nice and relaxing way to start the year, but with all the things that have happened between now and then, it already feels like ages ago. We're only about ten days into the new year and already I've learned and relearned some very important lessons through some less-than-ideal circumstances, which I have listed below.

So far, in 2015...

1. I've fallen on my face and broken my glasses.

I wish there were a good story behind this. On the drive back to Arkansas from St. Louis, we stopped at Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art to stretch our legs and walk around. I was starting to run back to the car, took about two steps, and fell face-first onto the pavement. My glasses frames broke and stabbed me in the temple and I got a minor scuff on my chin, as well as various cuts on my hands, elbow, and side.

Lesson: Don't run. Unless you're trying to escape a murderer and there aren't any good hiding places. Or unless you're racing somebody for the last piece of cake, which has only happened once in my life. Otherwise, it's just not worth it.

2. I've cried twice and have been on the phone with my health insurance company more times than there have been days this year.

Those two things are related. I recently got a new health insurance plan and there were some issues with it which resulted in many hours of phone tag. My experience with insurance companies has made me realize how broken the American insurance system is, even if it is slightly better than it used to be. (Although I will say the representative I talked to at my insurance company was extremely helpful and nice and eventually got things sorted out for me, and the things going on were not her fault, anyway.)

Lesson: Sometimes you have to cry and get a little hysterical and pushy before things get sorted out. Let the record show that I tried being calm, and I tried being firm, but it was the shaky voice and crying that finally got things accomplished. But it definitely did not do anything for my stress levels, which resulted in the next item on my list.

3. I've pooped my pants.

When I got back from St. Louis, I was having what could gently be referred to as "severe digestive troubles," which I'm pretty sure were the result of being really stressed out and there's also a small chance I ate something that had been in the fridge too long. Basically, it felt like the creature from the Alien movies was squirming around inside me and about to pop out, which is also a good comparison because the incident happened while I was playing the Alien: Isolation video game (which I'll be uploading on my gaming channel this week). I wish I could blame the game and say it was so scary that I pooped myself, but no. I also wish I'd been recording at the time, but I wasn't. So don't expect any, "Oh my god, I totally just pooped myself" exclamations during my Let's Play. The whole thing was just the result of severe digestive issues and a miscalculated toot that turned out to be a little something more. As they say, "Shit happens."

Lesson: Not sure. Maybe, don't stress yourself out so much or you'll poop yourself? Or maybe, never trust a toot when you've got the rumblies? Or perhaps, just learn to keep it to yourself if you poop yourself. That's probably the one.

So if your year is off to a rocky start, take this as a light reminder that you could've already broken your glasses and cried yourself into a pooping incident and maybe that will help you feel better. I fully anticipate being placed in a nursing home in 2015.

-joe